HKB
lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. The dread of them was upon me*, *and I trembled at God’s Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.
Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss*; *but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared: for my sin was not of the nature of theirs*, *for Whom He bled and died; neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge, when He hanged on a tree*: therefore, unless He should come down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though indeed He did greatly pity me, *yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.
But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; Christ being raised from the dead, dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over Him. Rom. vi. 9.